Lost in a discordant flow

Where have you been

Where have you gone

The tossing and turning

No time to dwell upon

Facts withered away 

Replaced with truthiness

The cult of personality

Has added to this mess

Fright night becomes day

Horrors abhor the peace

The fury of a surge

Comes deathly like a beast

Which way to go

Here, there, I don't know

Hunkered in the bunker

Focused on nowhere to go

Meanwhile the pain builds

Yells and shouts of ignorance

Risen like an uneven tide

The decay of common sense

Open up they say

Open up regardless

The danger zone condones

Life regarded less

Even worse yet now

Under the cover of livelihoods

Expertise is disavowed

Experience viewed a falsehood

Individuality reigns supreme

At the expense of community

Self interests divides the house

Perilous is the collaborative unity

Where have you been

Where should you go

Turning and tossing

Lost in a discordant flow.

Searching, Yearning

I'm searching, yearning

Looking for inspiration

In the complacent dark

For that spark of vision

Its all grey and foggy

Not even the faintest light

Struggling and sluggish

A whimper not even might

I'm weak and worn

Needing rejuvenation

Just shooting blanks

Where's the innovation?

Avenues and Alleyways

Avenues and alleyways

Decisions clutter the map

A boulevard of broken dreams

In constant, continual loops and laps

The race for the cure

Has no real ending in sight

Tortured souls grimace sorrowfully

Dreaming of a peaceful light

The weight bears down immense

Like a lead foot on a straightaway

You focus desperately, longingly

For the off-ramp to run away

This one-way road trip

Haunts like a desolate island

Never to be discovered nor found

Perpetually a pain to be mired in

Avenues and alleyways

They all lead to one distinct conclusion

Need to escape from restless reality

Into a realm of whimsical illusion.

These Phantoms Besiege Me

These phantoms besiege me

Chasing my every move and position

Under constant continual surveillance

Like closed circuit television

I try to flee

But even before I inch lurching forward

The walls encompass me into darkness

Shackled stuck in a grind

In a flow oh so very burdensome

With all my might I do try

Energy emphasized for the jail break

Alas these bars don't budge at all

I feel trapped

Ever more so and then some

Is this a figment of my imagination

Or is this situation obtrusively real

It's too hazy with the visibility so low

The ghosts of yesteryear

Haunt my worrisome encumbered mind

This mirror needs to be shattered

I must transform

Oh I think I hear their chatter

The footsteps quicken their pace

Surreal or illusion it doesn't matter

 This dark place will not be where I reside

Here in the desert of ill-reputed despair.

The Tough Life I Seek

Its the tough life I seek
The pain, torture, and agony
Where fortune seems bleak
And the sorrow is deeper in me

Why should I do this?
Engage in the terrible straits
The narrow road of crisis
Determined by the Fates

Dredging through the mud
Emboldens my resolve
And boils my cry for blood
Barriers beware of ensuing dissolve

In this dark, harrowing time
My true self discovery occurs
Ripped away from what is sublime
This concoction begins to slowly stir

Fermented in the shaded shadows
A phoenix starts to emerge
The fiery flow beckons and bellows
My power soon converges

What is this you see?
It is the reversal of direction
Lifted up from changing seas
Cleansed of the failure distortion

You see the tough life I seek
Is only but for an mild instant
The lesson learned in meek
Forever rises in changes fervent

The new self that rises
Points a new direction of North
The strength of character surprises
Forward and further comes forth

The time away in somber silence
Stews the mind courageously anew
It grows in strict, incorrigible confidence
Becoming a light, airy, and vibrant hue

The change is nearly complete
My story makes a transition
A new challenge is here to meet
I seek to amplify with distinction

Its the tough life I seek
The pain, torture, and agony
Where misfortune is bleak
And the joy is deeper in me.

Tired of the bull-crap...

Tired of the bull-crap
Tired of the pain
Tired of the agony
It makes me insane

Frustrated at the stupidity
Frustrated at the anger
Frustrated at the idiot
Heading to danger

What am I to do
What am I to see
What am I to wonder
Others want to disagree

In circles I loop
In circles I group
In circles of dispute
I feel like a dupe

Ready to fight
Ready to gripe
Ready to give up
Not into the hype

Drowning in angst
Drowning in silence
Drowning in despair
Feeling a bit of malevolence

It is a travesty
It is a flabbergast
It is a stupefy
Just like an ass

Tired of the bull-crap
Tired of the pain
Tired of the agony
I just want to be sane.

Stuck in a stall...

The days grow weary

Or the saying goes

I have a search query

For deep inner flows

Where have you gone

In desperate straits

I am less fond

Questioning the fates

Is this to be

The way of life

It seems to flee

An incomprehensible strife

Encompassing the darkness

In flail and in flight

A candle spark-less

Going out of sight

The water is dry

I am grounded

In disbelief I deny

That I am grounded

But nevertheless alas

The day becomes night

Knowing to the last

Truth delivers fright

No flows to be seen

Designed in flaw

Loss of my esteem

Stuck in a stall...

Trapped in a Flow

Trapped in a flow
Nowhere to go

What shall I do
Feel like fool

Against the current
A theme recurrent

My heart fervent
The mind dissonant

Stewing in my head
Confusion I tread

Need for a spark
For decisions landmark

Forced in a burrow
Creativity in furrow

Searching for the light
Inspiration's delight

Crying out a plea
Yearning to flee

Chastised to be quiet
The soul is a riot

Trapped in a flow
Somewhere I need to go.

Waiting in Nowhere

Like a Chinese water torture
Drip and drop
My patience wears thin

The clock mocks me
Tick and tock
With its merciless second-hand

Pacing worried
Back and forth
Panicked thoughts of despair

Facing the discordant song
Twang and bang
The ears shutter in pain

Such an impasse in time
Frozen and immobile
Stuck in neutral

In no man's land
Here and there
Frowning at the lack of existence

A bubble encapsulated
Stopped and blocked
Agonizing for an option

An unanswered question
How and why
Waiting in nowhere.

--------------------------

In dedication to those who are waiting for a phone call, a reply from a loved one, in search of themselves and in need of direction as well as those waiting in traffic. A lot of our life is spent waiting and it can often frustrate us. That's the feeling I try to capture here and I hope you like it.

Death in the Desert

This is the end of days
The end of time
Dark clouds brew
I hear the bells chime

On this barren desert
With the thunderous clamor
Of lightning strikes
A mighty hammer

Laying inside the car
Resting with my foot out
This is it
Shrunken is my clout

All these years
Of dirty deeds
And broken trusts
Evil now feeds

Here I am alone
Myself and I
Faster my hearts beats
Soon I cannot deny

The pain I caused
Dirty under deals
Have led me here
Death is at my heels

I heave and breath
Caustically heavy
A shot through the chest
Blasted my steady

Though I did deserve
Such injurious treason
The hurt is unbearable
Pain scrambles reason

Why me I say
Then the rain drips
I struggle to see
My soul drops

What dreams may I see
On the other side
Terrified I realize
There is no other side.

Inspired by a character in Chhaya's Untitled Story

Spark

In the dark
Looking dreadfully stark
Missing the mark
In need of a spark

Hark, the herald sings
Please fix my dings
And heal the stings
Carry me on thy wings

Bring forth much love
Yearning for the dove
For the one I dream of
My dearly belove

Shove away the weak
Destroy the bleak
Foster some technique
To break the barren streak

Speak to me
Full of glee
Clean the debris
Fly so high so free

The lonely road not taken

As previously, exquisitely described
Famously by a poet who once wrote
Too I come to the crossroads
Paths that differ in ways provocative

One path is wide open, well-kept
The road is paved neatly, well-lit
Well trodden and surrounded
On the side by roses beautifully

The other road is narrow, un-kept
Unclearly known to where it leads
The clarity of the endpoint is undiscovered
The wildflowers grow over the path

Which do I choose?
The clear cut path to success?
The lonely road not taken?
The decision seems apparently simple

I shall choose the narrow path
The difficult one people rarely try
I am a trailblazer, unsurprisingly
I'll learn on the fly, my will withstands

My mind is set on the journey
A change is in order for good
I am willing to try for the better
I will cut a new path to enlightenment

Why take the lonely road not taken?
Because I am me, I am who I am
To clearly state what that poet, Robert Frost, said:
"And that has made all the difference."

Isolation

The realization hits
harsh and fast
causing massive fits
the wind does not fill the mast

Isolation encompasses me
loneliness is my friend
no escape I am not free
stuck I am not on a mend

The maze is tremendous
infinitely dark
the path is unlit horrendous
my fate is stark

Isolation
no where to go
utter calamity and destruction
the current of my life ceases to flow.

No Man's Land

I heard a term today that I have not heard about in several years. The term is "no man's land." In tennis it is designated as the area between the baseline and the service box where as a player, you do not want to get caught in. Behind the baseline you can hit a good forehand/backhand. At the net, you can hit a good volley. However, in "no man's land," you can do neither. Generally, when you get suck there, you lend yourself to get a crappy shot setting your opponent to crush you. Carrying that analogy over to life, this is definitely how I feel at this current moment in time. I do not know where I am going and where I want to even be, especially in terms of love and relations. A part of me is frustrated and dejected over a lost of a relationship. The other part of me is confused whether I would want to be in love again. Being between this type of "rock and a hard place" can do me no good. I am sure the same is true for anyone else. What am I to do? One thing is to continue doing what you are decent at, which is my career. I'm not the best at it and there is always room to improve. However, science is relatively straightforward. It'll keep my mind off of things for awhile, but surely, these thoughts will creep into my mind. Again, what am I to do in this type of scenario. I guess I'll do what I've always done, figuratively, to ride the wave wherever it takes me. 10 years ago, if you said that I was going to be a Ph.D. candidate, I'd be flabbergasted and definitely in denial. However, I rode the wave of life and here I am just as I never thought I would be. No man's land is no fun and this my current situation. Wish me luck.

To be lonely...

Loneliness is a dark path
Rarely trodden and seldom used
It is a road for the for the singular
Walking alone in deep discord

The mist and fog in the air
Make the journey barely visible
The tree branches block the sunlight
Swallowed in the forest I am invisible

The quiet deadening damp air
Makes my state of mind very clear
I walk hand in hand
With no one in fear

However there is some good
To my spiritual plight
I find myself again, the me
Always there but in blind sight

In deep contemplation
I realize a long lost truth
Hidden and buried
Now found since my early youth

To be lonely
Is a trademark of me
I am a nonconforming trailblazer
This path will set me free

I am not of normalcy
This life is not my finality
I cut a new path
The makeup of my consistency

I am duly required, mandated
In this lonely life
By God to struggle for good
As a single entity in that daily strife.

Rock Bottom

At first I wasn't sure
Now I am fully convinced
Of the situation I currently reside in
I have hit rock bottom
The falling aimlessly has stopped
Though I find my self deeper
Than I remember last
I have been here before
In the sorrow and sadness
That accompanies this familiar spot
Of when I was in fifth grade
Aimlessly lonely looking outside
Feeling cold and abandoned
Wondering why I felt that way
From the living room window
Hidden from the view of the family
Hours upon hours in a blank stare
This was definitely not the last time
I would be in the predicament
In eighth grade after my confrontation
With my dad on why I did so bad
Not knowing why even though I tried my best
My grades sucked like a dead-weight
Falling fast to the ocean floor
Again this was not the only time
Before my senior year in the summer
I played the worse tennis of my life
Saddened and dejected I walked home alone
On my own accord in somber sadness
Laughed at and scorned for being so dumb
By my so-called friends and teammates
Twas quite a year
I would again pay a visit to loneliness
Near the end of the senior year
I would be knifed in the back
Direct hit on my fragile heart
By the one I thought loved me
Out of the blue telling me in a letter
That she didn't love me anymore
Now I visit this place again
Where my heart is again in solitary confinement
The place called rock bottom
Of a once bottomless pit
Only I can blame myself for this situation
I will have to resolve this on my own
In this loneliness I seek comfort
I know that there is a way out
I'm sure there is a stairway to heaven
Each time I have hit rock bottom
My best work as soon followed
After fifth grade I made good to try to be optimistic
After eighth grade I had a string of excellent grades worth envy
After the worse tennis ever I ended the year most team valuable
After my senior year I found someone who loved me better
Though this relationship has ended in me hitting rock bottom
I have hope this can be better again one way or another
I find that upon reviewing my past history
There is hope and chance
I can improve myself again
Those triumphs of yesteryear
Were achieved by concerted effort to focus and achieve
I am not bringing this to laud myself
I'm merely being optimistic
In these times of despair and anguish
I don't ask for sympathy
I just need to see
That I can climb out of this dark damp destination
To be on level ground again
I can conquer what obstacles lay in my way
I just need to believe
Even though this hole has gotten wider and deeper
Like in times past I can rise again
It may take some time
It may take patience and determination
To be above ground zero
The human species
Has an amazing amount of hope
I must tap into this hope
With some support that would be nice
Why do we fall
So we can stand up again
To climb out of rock bottom
I shall do so
I have a starting point
I can fall no further
It is time to get to work
Time to leave rock bottom vacant.

A Hermit

I sometimes feel
that i am misunderstood
ideas, thoughts, musings
am i to blame being "well" understood?

Life seems at times
confusing and cursed
i convey a thought
and get a resounding earful

Retreat is what i do well
when the going is tough
i feel that i am unraveling
when the world is rough

I feel like hermit
lonely in this world
vast in expanse
makes me burrow

What seems to me
logical and clear
is seen as foolish, idiotic
illconceived and quite queer

Is it how i grew up
is being told unique
glossing over the truth
am i just a freak?

These are the times
when the tough get going
i stammer into a wall
and get a jolting

I creep into my hole
small yet a perfect fit
for a lost soul
I am a hermit.