Maturity

As an adult
the key importance
is to have maturity
for success performance

Setting goals
is easy
but what is easier
then being lazy

To work hard
requires commitment
shunning of short cuts
to build a strong firmament

The hard decisions
always come by
taking control
and willing to deny

The consequences
deriding and tough
acceptance of choice
in a difficult hand cuff

When we falter
no help is there
we take the jump
it is only fair

To be mature
is to not give up
accept the cards
willing to drink the cup.

To hold a grudge

To hold a grudge
from deep within
the expansive anger
with stubborn hatred
causes only pain
tortures the mind crazy
endangers the body ill
inflames the soul wrongly
and insults the heart hurtful

To hold a grudge
meaningless and pitiful
never lets you free
trapped in a jail cell
for as long as we hate
tears drip and drown the face
your mind is unclear confused
the dark night envelopes wholly
your escape is helpless

To hold a grudge
the destructive spite
keeps a closed mind
solutions are bountiful
if there was no resistance
our stubbornness keeps the key
we are stuck awfully
in this desolate dungeon

To hold a grudge
let our minds fly free
release the pain
let anger be forgotten
for when this happens
we can move on
a brighter day awaits
freedom rings true
the act of true change
leads to a bright path
of discernible goals
attainable through truth
solutions fly free
we attain happiness

In any society, the path to enlightenment and true change is to forgo our selfish needs and desires for the greater good of the community. Debate is important, however, the significant point is that all sides agree to a resolution through compromise. Diplomacy is always the better way then war. War leads to no victory. Everyone loses. War happens because we hold on to offenses by the other side. However, if both sides can come to the table, compromise and be selfless, a better world can take place. Diplomacy is not easy, but it is the best option. Sometimes, the other side is naive or unaware of offenses. Encouragement for the other side to seek diplomacy and giving credit for positive change can help lead the way to forging a bond of true friendship and peace. Sometimes, the change takes time and both sides can falter, but if the all sides encourage each other, we can foster a growth toward a better society. How can this work? Hard as it may be, starting anew through the dismissal of past faults and mistakes, a clean slate per say, will be a progressive step toward that ideal society. No society can ever be perfect, but if we are willing to try, we will be closer to enlightenment and one step further away from destructive war.

Trust

To trust a friend
is to take their word for it
no questions asked
due to past progress forward

To trust a family member
is to lend a hand
even though mistakes happen
the rules can bend

To trust a lover
means to go wholeheartedly
even to the depths of hell
and back to heavenly

To trust oneself
is an obvious joke
the mind plays tricks
and it will make you choke

To trust is to let go
all the misconceptions
to go forward in the dark
without protection

To trust another
takes guts of compromise
to be a target
for a possible demise

To trust someone
means forgoing one's standing
to take the leap forward
and eat the landing

I trust you
not myself
do you trust
yourself?

A Look Inside

A look inside
into the depths
to where my heart resides

The core of my soul
beats a heavy rhythm
of sadness and sorrow

What I find curiously
is not a surprise at all
my pain beats furiously

Mistakes are all over strewn
on the boulevard of broken dreams
of this solemn tune

A patchwork of stitches
encompass all four chambers
barely holding together the twitches

Alive in name only
almost dead inside
makes me lonely

The life is sucked almost dry
a broken heart results
no longer soaring high

No one to blame
but my inconsistencies
are the claim this ill-fated fame

Strong on the outside
but like a fallen dead tree
hollow on the inside

If my mind were more respectful
actions more directed and strong
I would be more powerful

To effect a change outwardly
to my skin and bones
recapture a love more fully

Alas a change is in order
however the wait made it late
indeed a change is in order

She has left me deeply
thanks to me, myself and I
the trinity of stupidity

.............................................................

A look inside
shows my weakness
where within I confide

The damage is done
sometimes better late then never
weighs on the mind a billion ton

I am changing
and will continue as such
a new path I am forging

Regret will be my motivation
with a desired end result
never reached without her in frustration

With hope in the dark night
construction on this boulevard
will be my fight

To wherever it leads
all the days of my life
upon this boulevard my heart feeds.

I will go down with this ship...

As once masterfully said in a song
the feeling that I have at this time
the love I once had
now tolls the midnight bell and chime

I will go down with this ship
the problems I have caused
being an idiot is my demise
the truth of the matter is falsified

I love you and will always do so
not in the same capacity as before
in my head i will keep it within
how we once blissfully soared

The fact of the matter is
I grossly wrecked this ship
made mistakes a-plenty
resulting in a nose diving flip

The disagreements cause despair
I should have been more careful
been a better partner
now all I am is a fool

Unrelenting and non-resolving
stubborn like a rusted nail
hard to pry loose
all but determined to fail

I know the path I take
the pain I caused I know dearly
I will go down with this ship
no white flag I go fearlessly

I caused this problems
steered the ship into rocks
to sink like a dead weight
like a clown deserving of mocks

When I finally get my bearings
the time is terribly late
impeccable and like clockwork
I sink into the ocean

I will go down with this ship
with it I will carry our love
the rough seas have taken their toll
now departs from my heart the peaceful dove.

I have been contradictory probably because of my lack of patience to think things through. I should have taken your advice and let things settle down, then make a fully educated descision. Now I've made a decision thats not well thought out and way too soon. In my heart I know what I feel and how I want to feel. My actions obviously speak louder and have made a crucial mistake. A mistake I will deal with and a mistake that will weigh heavily on my shoulder. If you looked at that initial email, I didn't say that I was not going to go through with the dating scheme. I just said that I disliked how it came to be. I was willing to go forward with it. I just make bad split second decisions when you asked me. The sound of your voice was quivering and quite sad. I should have said yes, but the pain that I had caused previously amounted made me say no, to be come friends instead of following through with the plan. Hindsight is always clear. Clearly I made the bad choice and now I will have to pay for it. However, I cannot and will not allow myself to date another. How can I move on? Simple, I will not move on. I am stagnant in this area of my life going down with the ship of love. The only thing I know about myself is the love that we once had. To capture that magic will be for all purposes, is quite essentially impossible. My attempt to fix things is probably my downfall and destruction, in other words flip-flopping, slow and stubborn. I will never be able to return from that misery. The damage is my fault, the consequences I reap. I wish you luck in all your endeavors. There will always be a part of me of hope that things can change. I don't know if I can ever be let through the doorway of your heart again. Even if this never happens, this is the token of my life, the hope that will drive my life forward. Thank you for being you, the essence of you is what I will keep deep down.

Confessions of a Broken Heart

I have a broken heart in need of repair. The person who I thought could repair has essentially decided to move on. How else can you explain the reasoning of an open dating type of relationship even though I would have an advantage. If I had an advantage, there would be no open dating and I would be exclusively yours. However, the interpretation was best described by you: "I guess I don't love you anymore." I guess you don't love me anymore. I guess a decision has been made. I will always cherish the times we had together. It does not mean henceforth that I am happy nor feel that I can move on. I have always loved you. True, that we may have problems and yes, these problems we have whether you believe them to be true or not happen to other relationships. Yes, I have my faults and even my ill-conceived times where I initiated breakups. If you look at them though, you will see that I did it so that you wouldn't have to deal with the pain that I present. I guess it comes full circle and you will have less pain. I guess in the end, it will work out for you. For me on the other hand, I leave this situation feeling empty, battered, bruised and broken-hearted. You tell me that I should date to know how I feel about certain things and maybe I will love you better. Sometimes, I just need to figure them out on my own and I have been doing so. At this point, I know that certain issues can be resolved and we can move forward from them. I just feel that we can work it out exclusively. However, I understand your concerns about the "ups and downs" and therefore, you are dating other guys. It is duly noted that I would have the upper hand as mentioned earlier, but what does that mean if you sincerely love me. A person who truly loves another would give that person all the breaks and passes to fix it. I may have been inexperienced in our relationship, but I have learned a lot of things as our relationship grew. My belief is I shouldn't have to prove my love to you in the conditions you have set forth. As the saying goes, love knows no boundaries. All I have done for you all these years should count for some merit; I did it for love. Please forgive me for not communicating better, but my actions always spoke of my love for you. If I should offer any advice for your new relationships, it is that a relationship will have its good times and its turbulent times (which could last more then one year or two; trust me, I've seen it in all kinds of relationships, especially my parents); you should always be patient and understanding. I tried to be patient and I know you have too. My way of thinking is that we could work things out and everything could be better. However, you have made the decision to move on and my answer to that is kudos. Maybe I am not the right person for you, but I will not date anyone. My personal belief is that I am learning to be better. I believe that I am the best for you and you, the same for me. That's why I'm not dating. Think about it. If I love you, would I even consider dating someone else to know that I love you. You may think that I am not on solid ground. However, if you look at my actions in recent times and as well as in the past, I believe I am on sound foundation. You have come to the conclusion that sometimes you love me and sometimes I frustrate you, while other times you should date. It is understandable to be in such a predicament. It is specifically a trust issue. You inherently don't trust me, otherwise you'd attempt to solve our problems in a different manner. For me, I believe that you will find qualities other people may have that are similar to mine, but you will never find another person like me. I'm hoping you will see that and will return to me. I will continue to better myself, but that does not include dating other people. Unless you found someone better or I find that I truly don't love you, I cannot permit myself to move on. I love you. We just have different view and philosophy about relationships. All that I may be saying can be false because you truly are more experienced then me. There is something in me that indicates that I know the path I take is the right way to go. I am not bitter or spiteful because if that were the case, why would I want you back and why would I want to even love you. The door of opportunity is open for the perceivable future, but it doesn't mean you will walk through it. Maybe you will find another person much better and if so, I commend you on that. As a famous movie line once said, "you complete me." We each have our problems and issues; all relationships do. This is because there are two people involved, with different ideas and views, no matter how similar some things may be. There are things that can be worked on, there are things that can be compromised and there are things that we are just going to have to accept. There is no smooth sailing relationship, but why do relationships last? Both sides are willing to come to the table to hammer out the differences for the betterment of the one love. These are my ramblings, thoughts of a broken heart written sincerely and dearly as I wait for the one I love, if there is any love for me in you.

No Man's Land

I heard a term today that I have not heard about in several years. The term is "no man's land." In tennis it is designated as the area between the baseline and the service box where as a player, you do not want to get caught in. Behind the baseline you can hit a good forehand/backhand. At the net, you can hit a good volley. However, in "no man's land," you can do neither. Generally, when you get suck there, you lend yourself to get a crappy shot setting your opponent to crush you. Carrying that analogy over to life, this is definitely how I feel at this current moment in time. I do not know where I am going and where I want to even be, especially in terms of love and relations. A part of me is frustrated and dejected over a lost of a relationship. The other part of me is confused whether I would want to be in love again. Being between this type of "rock and a hard place" can do me no good. I am sure the same is true for anyone else. What am I to do? One thing is to continue doing what you are decent at, which is my career. I'm not the best at it and there is always room to improve. However, science is relatively straightforward. It'll keep my mind off of things for awhile, but surely, these thoughts will creep into my mind. Again, what am I to do in this type of scenario. I guess I'll do what I've always done, figuratively, to ride the wave wherever it takes me. 10 years ago, if you said that I was going to be a Ph.D. candidate, I'd be flabbergasted and definitely in denial. However, I rode the wave of life and here I am just as I never thought I would be. No man's land is no fun and this my current situation. Wish me luck.

The Fallen Soldier

I am the fallen soldier
wounded in the battlefield hard fought
debilitating the injury is indeed
but help I can do without nor sought

Though the fangs are sunken deep
the world must go on living
I need no help from the medi-vac
the pain is not that devastating

Please pass on by
I am not considerate of the cause
other people are more worthy
for me you shall not pause

I will get back on my feet
stubborn and forthright
please hold those tears back
I shall be back under my might

I may have fallen
I should not be counted out
there is no room for sadness
so don't shed a tear or pout

A battle may have been lost
I may be wounded full of scars
A fallen soldier that needs no help
I will be back to win all the wars.

To be lonely...

Loneliness is a dark path
Rarely trodden and seldom used
It is a road for the for the singular
Walking alone in deep discord

The mist and fog in the air
Make the journey barely visible
The tree branches block the sunlight
Swallowed in the forest I am invisible

The quiet deadening damp air
Makes my state of mind very clear
I walk hand in hand
With no one in fear

However there is some good
To my spiritual plight
I find myself again, the me
Always there but in blind sight

In deep contemplation
I realize a long lost truth
Hidden and buried
Now found since my early youth

To be lonely
Is a trademark of me
I am a nonconforming trailblazer
This path will set me free

I am not of normalcy
This life is not my finality
I cut a new path
The makeup of my consistency

I am duly required, mandated
In this lonely life
By God to struggle for good
As a single entity in that daily strife.

Unintended Consequences

The decisions that hurt the most
Are sometimes the one executed
With the best intention
Resulting in consequences unintended

When a rose blooms
Brightly, vibrantly in the warm spring air
Is it the flower's intention to wither away
In the cold autumn season so bare

Likewise in quite a similar fashion
When love's roots grows within us
We expect the tender loving care
That warms the heart in us, joyous

Never do we intend to hurt
Nor do we want to cause harm
However sometimes relationships
End up far less then a lucky charm

Do we mean for it to end
To want sadness and sorrow
Obviously this was not the vision
That makes my life hollow

If I could tell the future
Foresee the road ahead
Find out that a bridge was out
This road's course I would not tread

Unfortunately there is no crystal ball
Fortunetelling does not exist, no sixth sense
For the decisions of best intention
That may lead to an unintended consequence

A love I once had fervently
With the warmth of a ferocious fire
By each our own faults divisively
Our relationship ended due to lack of desire

If the consequences of that decision
Was to end the constant hampering of love
Then that too would have been honorable
However the pain lingers because of love

The love that started as a match-lit spark
That grew to become a full fire of fervor
Flew and blew by precariously
Resulting in much pain and horror

This is not the design I signed up for
I did not intend for such a consequence
When I entered in for a loving relationship
That would lead to this type of life sequence

Even with all the best intention
To stop the havoc and bludgeoning
The pain is still bare and raw
Not seen on the surface, but internally bleeding

Why do you say this still happens?
Because of love's continued existence
Who knew a spark would have such an effect
An unintended consequence.

Written on August 4th, 2007 as a dedication and a realization.