Friday, August 17, 2007

I will go down with this ship...

As once masterfully said in a song
the feeling that I have at this time
the love I once had
now tolls the midnight bell and chime

I will go down with this ship
the problems I have caused
being an idiot is my demise
the truth of the matter is falsified

I love you and will always do so
not in the same capacity as before
in my head i will keep it within
how we once blissfully soared

The fact of the matter is
I grossly wrecked this ship
made mistakes a-plenty
resulting in a nose diving flip

The disagreements cause despair
I should have been more careful
been a better partner
now all I am is a fool

Unrelenting and non-resolving
stubborn like a rusted nail
hard to pry loose
all but determined to fail

I know the path I take
the pain I caused I know dearly
I will go down with this ship
no white flag I go fearlessly

I caused this problems
steered the ship into rocks
to sink like a dead weight
like a clown deserving of mocks

When I finally get my bearings
the time is terribly late
impeccable and like clockwork
I sink into the ocean

I will go down with this ship
with it I will carry our love
the rough seas have taken their toll
now departs from my heart the peaceful dove.

I have been contradictory probably because of my lack of patience to think things through. I should have taken your advice and let things settle down, then make a fully educated descision. Now I've made a decision thats not well thought out and way too soon. In my heart I know what I feel and how I want to feel. My actions obviously speak louder and have made a crucial mistake. A mistake I will deal with and a mistake that will weigh heavily on my shoulder. If you looked at that initial email, I didn't say that I was not going to go through with the dating scheme. I just said that I disliked how it came to be. I was willing to go forward with it. I just make bad split second decisions when you asked me. The sound of your voice was quivering and quite sad. I should have said yes, but the pain that I had caused previously amounted made me say no, to be come friends instead of following through with the plan. Hindsight is always clear. Clearly I made the bad choice and now I will have to pay for it. However, I cannot and will not allow myself to date another. How can I move on? Simple, I will not move on. I am stagnant in this area of my life going down with the ship of love. The only thing I know about myself is the love that we once had. To capture that magic will be for all purposes, is quite essentially impossible. My attempt to fix things is probably my downfall and destruction, in other words flip-flopping, slow and stubborn. I will never be able to return from that misery. The damage is my fault, the consequences I reap. I wish you luck in all your endeavors. There will always be a part of me of hope that things can change. I don't know if I can ever be let through the doorway of your heart again. Even if this never happens, this is the token of my life, the hope that will drive my life forward. Thank you for being you, the essence of you is what I will keep deep down.

No comments: