Sunday, June 03, 2007

The State of My Confusion

I truly and sincerely love her. I want to rekindle our relationship, get back together. I would be willing to start over, take it step by step to fix the wrongs that both of us may have, at least give it my best shot to fix it. 75% of really me wants to get back with her, and for the other 25%, I feel that I should not get back with her; not because I don't like her, but I'm quite scared to get back. I'm not at all afraid to face the consequences that face my way, however it is that I'm quite scared that I may not be able to fulfill her needs in our relationship, that I may fall into the trap of not fixing the problems I have in the relationship. In doing so, I may hurt a special friend dear to my heart. If I had a choice between taking pain rather then letting her suffer, I'd suffer for her even if it meant not getting us back together. She is such a dear friend to me, at true love.
I guess it had to take a significant break for me to realize what I am missing and what I am wrong at. I try to get back, but then she says no. Then she gives me hugs and the attitude that she wants me back, criticizing me why I don't love her. Let it be known, the final tally is that I still love her, confident (75%) or scared (25%). I don't exactly know what I need to do to get her back. I'm trying my best as a gentle and caring person to her among many other things to get her back. I want to stop the cyclical problem of returning to the relationship and then failing the duties of that relationship once I have achieved the goal of being together. What I fail to realize is that I really never reached the goal and I have failed miserably. A relationship requires time, effort and definitely at lot of hard work. The qualities of a relationship that I must attain are to be caring, forgiving and patient, sacrificing some of my personal ideals for the greater good of the relationship. That requires doing it even after we get back together.
The realism has hit me in a very direct manner. I may not be able to ever get my love back. However, I must try. In the history of my life thus far, I have never gone back to the same person that I have had a relationship. We have been friends, but never more then that level. No one has had such an effect on my life then the last one. Therefore, I have an open door policy. I am willing to wait for her return into my life meanwhile being the best friend I can be. I nevertheless understand that the plan of action I am taking has a minuscule chance of achieving that goal. I want to see how long I can hold out (and for right now it seems to me that I will be single for life) before I feel that I may have to move on. In the event that I do move on, it will most likely be the result of her finding the "one" for her (which I believe I am the one, but obviously that may not agreed by both parties), I find someone (which most least likely to happen because of my stubbornness) or I just decide that I would not want to hurt anyone because I am ill-equipped and not savvy enough to maintain a love (which seems to be the most likely case).
Within me and throughout me, I believe that she is the one for me. True that there are some problems in our relationship, but who doesn't. People who love each other are willing to work it out at all costs. I'm willing to put up the effort and sacrifice for the good of both of us with the hope of us becoming one. Maybe she and I just need some more time away to reflect on our problems (especially mine) and become more mature in facing the problems that we have, probably mainly me. This way is a gamble, but this seems to be the only available choice given to me. Sometimes, she shuts me down when I try to get back and other times she wonders why I don't love her. It is quite confusing the way she projects her thoughts and emotions to me. One things is for sure and that is I love her; I am willing to give to make us better. I pray that that we get back, but this is not only in my hands, the ball as well is in her court. May God bless us. This is the rambling our my state of confusion the hope that still burns in me.

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