A light in the night

It starts with a spark
The light of a match
The wick begins to burn
My mind lights up
With the flick of a switch
The engine revs
Electricity powers the light bulb
An enlightenment reveals
The door opens
My mind flows freely
Streams of consciousness
The time to write
Put my mind to work
Writer's block wall implodes
My inspiration comes
From right in front of me
The fire blazes hot
How I write these words
Comes simply from
Deep in midnight oil
A light in the night

It Sucks Being Sick

The sweat
The burning fever
The sore throat flaring up
The nose dripping like a leaky faucet
I sleep all day and feel crappy all night
Hungry, yet my taste buds refuse food
Dang I hate being sick cause its an abomination to humanity
(aside: well not really..hehe)
It sucks being sick!

Diamond in the Rough

Just as a batter
Is ready in the box
The pitcher sets up
Decides to outfox

The pitcher throws
Not a fastball
Or even a slider
He throws the dreaded curve-ball

An analogy this may be
It teaches a fortuitous lesson
One's perfect laid out plans
Can always be thrown into question

The lesson learned
Should be ingrained
Our lives don't always
Follow the path determined

The ability to change
To become malleable
Without the lost of the one's core
Is of great value

Opportunities may present
When least thought of
To hit a home run
Rather then strike out of

What may be least expected
Hides a truth to be told
A positive realism
Brings you forward to the fold

The very least moment
All buried in a dirt mound
At home plate in the rough
A diamond is found.

Rock Bottom

At first I wasn't sure
Now I am fully convinced
Of the situation I currently reside in
I have hit rock bottom
The falling aimlessly has stopped
Though I find my self deeper
Than I remember last
I have been here before
In the sorrow and sadness
That accompanies this familiar spot
Of when I was in fifth grade
Aimlessly lonely looking outside
Feeling cold and abandoned
Wondering why I felt that way
From the living room window
Hidden from the view of the family
Hours upon hours in a blank stare
This was definitely not the last time
I would be in the predicament
In eighth grade after my confrontation
With my dad on why I did so bad
Not knowing why even though I tried my best
My grades sucked like a dead-weight
Falling fast to the ocean floor
Again this was not the only time
Before my senior year in the summer
I played the worse tennis of my life
Saddened and dejected I walked home alone
On my own accord in somber sadness
Laughed at and scorned for being so dumb
By my so-called friends and teammates
Twas quite a year
I would again pay a visit to loneliness
Near the end of the senior year
I would be knifed in the back
Direct hit on my fragile heart
By the one I thought loved me
Out of the blue telling me in a letter
That she didn't love me anymore
Now I visit this place again
Where my heart is again in solitary confinement
The place called rock bottom
Of a once bottomless pit
Only I can blame myself for this situation
I will have to resolve this on my own
In this loneliness I seek comfort
I know that there is a way out
I'm sure there is a stairway to heaven
Each time I have hit rock bottom
My best work as soon followed
After fifth grade I made good to try to be optimistic
After eighth grade I had a string of excellent grades worth envy
After the worse tennis ever I ended the year most team valuable
After my senior year I found someone who loved me better
Though this relationship has ended in me hitting rock bottom
I have hope this can be better again one way or another
I find that upon reviewing my past history
There is hope and chance
I can improve myself again
Those triumphs of yesteryear
Were achieved by concerted effort to focus and achieve
I am not bringing this to laud myself
I'm merely being optimistic
In these times of despair and anguish
I don't ask for sympathy
I just need to see
That I can climb out of this dark damp destination
To be on level ground again
I can conquer what obstacles lay in my way
I just need to believe
Even though this hole has gotten wider and deeper
Like in times past I can rise again
It may take some time
It may take patience and determination
To be above ground zero
The human species
Has an amazing amount of hope
I must tap into this hope
With some support that would be nice
Why do we fall
So we can stand up again
To climb out of rock bottom
I shall do so
I have a starting point
I can fall no further
It is time to get to work
Time to leave rock bottom vacant.

The State of My Confusion

I truly and sincerely love her. I want to rekindle our relationship, get back together. I would be willing to start over, take it step by step to fix the wrongs that both of us may have, at least give it my best shot to fix it. 75% of really me wants to get back with her, and for the other 25%, I feel that I should not get back with her; not because I don't like her, but I'm quite scared to get back. I'm not at all afraid to face the consequences that face my way, however it is that I'm quite scared that I may not be able to fulfill her needs in our relationship, that I may fall into the trap of not fixing the problems I have in the relationship. In doing so, I may hurt a special friend dear to my heart. If I had a choice between taking pain rather then letting her suffer, I'd suffer for her even if it meant not getting us back together. She is such a dear friend to me, at true love.
I guess it had to take a significant break for me to realize what I am missing and what I am wrong at. I try to get back, but then she says no. Then she gives me hugs and the attitude that she wants me back, criticizing me why I don't love her. Let it be known, the final tally is that I still love her, confident (75%) or scared (25%). I don't exactly know what I need to do to get her back. I'm trying my best as a gentle and caring person to her among many other things to get her back. I want to stop the cyclical problem of returning to the relationship and then failing the duties of that relationship once I have achieved the goal of being together. What I fail to realize is that I really never reached the goal and I have failed miserably. A relationship requires time, effort and definitely at lot of hard work. The qualities of a relationship that I must attain are to be caring, forgiving and patient, sacrificing some of my personal ideals for the greater good of the relationship. That requires doing it even after we get back together.
The realism has hit me in a very direct manner. I may not be able to ever get my love back. However, I must try. In the history of my life thus far, I have never gone back to the same person that I have had a relationship. We have been friends, but never more then that level. No one has had such an effect on my life then the last one. Therefore, I have an open door policy. I am willing to wait for her return into my life meanwhile being the best friend I can be. I nevertheless understand that the plan of action I am taking has a minuscule chance of achieving that goal. I want to see how long I can hold out (and for right now it seems to me that I will be single for life) before I feel that I may have to move on. In the event that I do move on, it will most likely be the result of her finding the "one" for her (which I believe I am the one, but obviously that may not agreed by both parties), I find someone (which most least likely to happen because of my stubbornness) or I just decide that I would not want to hurt anyone because I am ill-equipped and not savvy enough to maintain a love (which seems to be the most likely case).
Within me and throughout me, I believe that she is the one for me. True that there are some problems in our relationship, but who doesn't. People who love each other are willing to work it out at all costs. I'm willing to put up the effort and sacrifice for the good of both of us with the hope of us becoming one. Maybe she and I just need some more time away to reflect on our problems (especially mine) and become more mature in facing the problems that we have, probably mainly me. This way is a gamble, but this seems to be the only available choice given to me. Sometimes, she shuts me down when I try to get back and other times she wonders why I don't love her. It is quite confusing the way she projects her thoughts and emotions to me. One things is for sure and that is I love her; I am willing to give to make us better. I pray that that we get back, but this is not only in my hands, the ball as well is in her court. May God bless us. This is the rambling our my state of confusion the hope that still burns in me.